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Rudolph
Bob: '*gives his signature two-finger salute* Hey, guys. If there's one thing I love, it's the fact that my show is able to bring so much happiness and joy to you and so many others on a regular basis. I know I say this all the time but, honestly... I do love you guys, and... all I want to do is just give you more and more of what I got. So, on that note... ''Bob snaps his fingers and his room, as well as his outfit, changes into a Christmassy theme and "Sleigh Ride" starts playing in the background. 'Bob: '''Welcome, one and all, to my first installment of "Christmas in July". Since they say that we should keep the spirit of Christmas all throughout the year, we're gonna look at some of the worst holiday movies ever made. So, let's kick things off with "Rudolph & Frosty's Christmas in July". ''Various clips from the movie play as the overture is heard in the background. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Today's movie features our favorite yuletide freak of nature: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and the most notorious iceman since Mr. Freeze: Frosty the Snowman. It was produced by Rankin/Bass, yet unlike our title characters' respective movies that had nothing to do with each other, this movie tries to tie them into a shared cinematic universe. Cut to both a movie poster for "The Avengers" and "Batman VS Superman: Dawn of Justice", respectively. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Sadly, this idea wouldn't work until several decades after this movie's release. And even more sad, it would go back to not working again only a few years later. The first thing that bugs me is the way that our main characters were designed. Why does Rudolph have smaller antlers than he did at the end of his first movie, and why is Frosty wearing orange? Rudolph is not a little kid, and those are not Winter colors. We're also introduced to Frosty's family. He met his wife, Crystal, in the movie, "Frosty's Winter Wonderland", and then they had some kids with completely interchangeable personalities. There must not have been any magic in that old condom he found. Rudolph is trying to show off his glowing nose to Frosty's two children, Milly & Chilly, but it keeps on fading out. 'Frosty (Jackie Vernon): '''Rudolph! '''Milly: '''What's the matter with your nose? '''Rudolph (Billie Mae Richards): '''I- I don't know. I-It... It's going out! '''Bob: '*voiceover* Don't worry, Rudolph, we have pills for that sort of thing now. In all seriousness, though, we do see Rudolph's nose burn out later in the movie, and it is a pretty big deal. However, there is only one thing that can make his nose go out, and that one thing is not happening right here. So, what the hell is going on? I have no idea. Cut to a picture of an intoxicated man on the toilet, dressed in a Glinda costume and holding a wine glass. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Maybe the Plot Convenience Fairy is drunk. After the opening credits, we're greeted by Santa Claus himself, played once again by Mickey Rooney. Cut to a clip from "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town". 'Bob: '*voiceover* He played Santa in "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town", which means that that movie is now in continuity with Frosty and Rudolph, too. Cut back to Bob who, on a side note, is wearing a "Quilty Pleasure" outfit from OppoSuits and a black top-hat with silver tinsel wrapped around the base. 'Bob: '''And, strangely enough, this shared cinematic universe does not hinge on an innocent little girl losing her mind and dooming all of humanity. (break) F*** you, Jon Negroni. ''Cut to Santa Claus, who is standing in front of his castle at the North Pole. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Anyway, Santa gives us a little backstory of our villain. 'Santa Claus (Mickey Rooney): '''Long before I came to the North Pole, all this territory was ruled over by... ''The movie fades to the North Pole as it appeared in the past: a dark and desolate wasteland. 'Santa Claus: '...a powerful, magic king of the North Pole named... Winterbolt. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Since "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" is tied in with this movie's continuity, wouldn't it make more sense if the territory was ruled by the Winter Warlock? Briefly cut to a scene of the aforementioned character. '''Winter Warlock (Keenan Wynn): Mister Warlock, if you please! Bob: '*voiceover* He tells of how this Winterbolt guy terrorized the land, but was then stopped by Lady Boreal, queen of the Northern Lights. She puts him into a death-like sleep just long enough for Santa to get himself established at the North Pole, but her power eventually fades away, allowing Winterbolt to rise again. He decides to do away with the jolly interloper. ''Winterbolt is looking at Santa Claus through his own crystal snowball. '''Winterbolt (Paul Frees): '''He looks to be a king! But, there can be no king of the North, save '''me! Bob: '*voiceover* He goes to seek advice from... the actually pretty creepy Genie of the Ice Scepter, and he soon devises a plan to trap Santa in a massive snowstorm. *quickly* But, first, he has to get Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer out of the North Pole since Rudolph was blessed by Lady Boreal with a magical marking, which is responsible for his glowing red nose that makes him the ipso facto protector of the North Pole from all things Winterbolty. So, he gets Rudolph out of the North Pole by suggesting he accompany Frosty the Snowman to a circus somewhere on the beach in the United States, which can only happen, thanks to these magical amulets that'll keep Frosty and his family from melting until the last firework on their Fourth of July celebration, which Frosty will be invited to after Winterbolt gives this balloonist/ice cream man the idea of inviting him to performing in the circus in order to save it from being sold to Professor Hinkle from the first "Frosty the Snowman" movie, who is now called Sam Spangles, and trapping Santa in an eternal void of dark, spooky fog when he goes to pick up Frosty and his family, since he's the only one with the means of getting them back to the North Pole before they melt. And, with Santa out of the way, he'll then be able to seize control of the North Pole again, so he can be loved by the children of the world, despite having disposed of Santa because the children of the world would totally be OK with that, for some reason. ''Cut to a brief scene from "Spaceballs". 'Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis): '*to the viewers* Everybody got that? '''Bob: '''We're not even ten minutes in, and we've completely jumped the rails here. I mean... I know that Santa Claus is not exactly the same guy as Saint Nicholas, who dropped coins into people shoes, but... '''what the hell's going on here?! *voiceover* So, yeah, we have "Rule 63" Stormella here, trying to keep Santa fogbound, so that he can take over the North Pole and be loved by children all over the world, as if that had any bearing on his power before, *sarcastic* because this is someone you'd want giving toys to little kids. Cut to another clip of Winterbolt with Bob's voice superimposed over his own. Bob: '*imitating Winterbolt* Here, child. Take this toy, so that you will love me. It drips with the blood of Santa Claus. *laughs evilly as lightning strikes* '''Bob: '*voiceover* Oh, and... you might have figured out one really big problem with Winterbolt's plan, aside from how ridiculously and pointlessly elaborate it is, '''he has the power of suggestion. If he can plant ideas into people's heads and get them to do what he wants, why doesn't he just give Santa the idea of walking off of a cliff or something? Also, why give Rudolph this retcon of being blessed by Boreal, so that he now has her power of the Northern Lights? Cut to the original Rudolph movie. Bob: '*voiceover* His story of overcoming adversity and saving the day with the very thing that caused him nothing but heartache was great. But now, apparently, it was the will of the Gods this whole time? And, worst of all, it's granted to him when he's only a few minutes old. Does he have any idea what's happening? Why not bequeath this godly gift to one of Santa's more seasoned flyers, like Donner or Comet? ''Cut back to Bob. 'Bob: '''Or, is Rudolph supposed to be the Messiah or something? *shrugs* '''Lady Boreal (Nellie Bellflower): '''You nose will glow, so long as you use it for good. If you are tempted, even once, to use it for an evil purpose, it will be extinguished forever. Do you understand? '''Bob: '*voiceover, imitating the infant Rudolph* I don't even know who I am! *normal* And one misuse of his nose, and he loses it forever? Cut to a German poster of Adolf Hitler carrying the Nazi flag. 'Bob: '*voiceover* Evil wouldn't exist at all if it didn't know how to present itself as something good. Can't you give this newborn child some kind of leeway? Cut again to the original Rudolph special. 'Bob: '*voiceover* What about the time he got excited over how Clarice thought he was "cude"? Or, the time he kept his nose on when his friends were trying to get some sleep? He wasn't using his nose for good during those times, so shouldn't he have lost its power? An instrumental version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" starts playing. 'Bob: '*voiceover, singing* Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer didn't know how to use his nose because the fairy did not give him any directions that were easy to understand All of the other reindeer wondered, "What the f*** was that?" they never questioned it further, because he used it improperly and then lost it forever what was the point of giving it to him? 'Bob: '*voiceover* Back to the plot, this guy named Milton comes in to get some more ice cream for his circus by getting it from a secret cache at the North Pole. *sarcastic* Because, of course, that's the best way to keep ice cream cold and get it to where you want to sell it in a timely fashion. Winterbolt gives him the idea to take Frosty and Rudolph to the circus to save it from going under, and away they go. Oh, and, uh... you remember me saying that Santa was the only one who could get Frosty home in a reasonable amount of time? That wasn't his idea. Check this out. Winterbolt takes a pile of snow and whispers something into it. Then, he blows on it, which transports it into Santa's noggin, giving him an idea. 'Santa Claus: '''Say, I just got a wonderful idea! '''Bob: '*voiceover, imitating Santa* I'm just gonna walk off a cliff because Winterbolt listened to Bobsheaux's suggestion. *normal* Yeah, he gets the idea because Winterbolt '''gave him the idea. This whole movie could be over in two seconds since, I repeat, Winterbolt has the power to twist the wills of men! Category:Transcripts